How Not to Kill Your Child Chapter 11

Exercise, Cookies and Wine.

I inadvertently stacked these items to bring them downstairs, and then had to laugh as it was a perfect depiction of my life lately.

As most of you know, my husband has decided to winter in China, leaving me here with our two delightful children and my 5 month old niece. Oh, don't get me wrong, we could have uprooted our family in the incredibly generous 3 weeks notice and all gone to China, but, well, ummm NO.

I have a bunch of wonderful friends helping me through this insane time. Mostly though, people just want to know we are doing. Here are some of the better examples of how we are coping.

The first day I had all 3 kids on my own, Nathan woke up screaming for Daddy for 2 hours and I sent Emma to school without her teeth brushed. I felt so awful and was afraid she would get made fun of for bad breath. Later that week I had my undies on inside out, and my voice was hoarse from screaming.

During our second week the bus decided not to come one day.

Then Phil came home for Turkey Day and proceeded to take the new schedule and shove it. So after a brief visit and retraining, we are back to our regularly scheduled craziness.


When not hitting his baby cousin with a plastic hammer, Nathan can be found...


- pouring Mommy and Auntie more wine in Auntie's living room.


- flinging the remaining Cheerios around the family room...about half a box. Cheese-its and cat food also have the same desired effect.

- spilling milk, juice or any liquid substance all over the table or floor.


- drawing with marker....on Emma's chair or himself.

- emptying all the soap in the sink or tub.

- or hitting/biting/tackling Emma.



Today so far he has opened a bottle of Motrin and attempted to fill the medicine spoon. Not only was the spoon filled, so was the sink. Not sure if the child proof cap was loose but I hope to hell so, or I am in trouble! Then he INSISTED he needed to stand up all the picture frames that were piled up to make room for Christmas decor, and after repeated requests to leave them along, one fell and broke. And finally he spilled milk all over the table, chair and floor. Yuck! It looked like an accident, but knowing him, he tried to pour the milk on his bread for fun. All of this is followed with a pitiful..."sorry Mommy". Somehow I feel bad. Little manipulator.



Now on to Emma. She is such a delight these days. I didn't know there were so many possible opinions to have on just about everything! And did you know that every disappointment requires a bucket full of tears. I mean if the color of the toilet paper is not the right shade of white, tears. Imagine therefore, the following scenario. Go to McDonald's and ask for 1 girl and 1 boy Happy Meal. The toys are Hello Kitty and Transformers. We get 2 meals with a Transformer in each meal. Did you know that McDonald's made Emma into a boy. Yep they just did a gender change right there in the drive though lane and now Emma is a boy. We had to hear this the whole way home from the McD's by Target. I almost wet my pants I was trying so hard not to laugh.



Talking back is a favorite pastime, and overall freshness is a common theme. Perfect example, we have to bring the garbage and recycling down every other Monday. Now garbage goes out twice a week so we are talking 2 out of 8 days a month, I ask for help dragging and empty blue recycling bin up the driveway. It even has a string tied on the side handle to make pulling easier. Now remember it is EMPTY. "Moooommm this is soooo heavy, I can't do this." "Just help me please Emma." I get to the top with my 2 garbage cans, newspaper recycling bucket, Emma's backpack and the mail, and turn around. There is Emma. No bucket. "Emma, where is the bucket?" "I left it there" as she points down the driveway. In the middle of the hill is the bucket on its side. The little brat just dropped the damn thing and walked up the driveway empty handed without a care in the world. Really? Really?



To manage all this stress....the doctors all want to know how you manage stress, as if you have time to manage it....Carolyn and I have started an exercise program of our own making. Carolyn brings over her videos of these psycho freaks doing squats. Forward squats, backward squats, sumo squats. You are not supposed to let your knee go over your toe when squatting....do you know how hard that is when you have small feet? I mean it is near impossible. So I worry about my feet and then do a backward squat instead of a forward squat and it all goes to hell from there. To make it even more challenging, the kids need to stand directly in front of or behind us while we are doing these things. And on some days I get really lucky and Nathan lays on me while I do sit ups. I'd like to see these workout buffs handle that in a video. I follow these sessions with wine and cookies. As you can imagine I am not "getting the arms and legs I always wanted".


While all this fun is going on, we are preparing for Christmas. Carolyn and I are dragging our trees in and putting up lights. My village is up, presents and being purchased and wrapped. Cards were created and partially sent. Cookies are baked and discarded or eaten.There are lots of holiday events going on that the kids want to participate in and everyone is coming here for Christmas. We are like the Whos down in Whoville and the Grinch is on Skpe yelling about money. Gotta love the mute button. Now Grinchy did purchase 6 presents in China for me so I had less to do. He arrives on the 22 (3 days before Christmas for those who are counting).



So when people ask, I tell them I am crazier than usual and most likely drunk. It has been 10 days without a break away from my darlings and I can't WAIT until this weekend when I get a night out with some friends, and a night and day to myself thanks to Carolyn.




Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Happy New Year to all of you. Come on over and hang out...there is almost always a bottle of wine open. :)

How Not to Kill Your Child Chapter 10

Crate them!
(thank you Southwest- I think - for the idea)

Imagine yourself all cozy in bed at 4AM and sound asleep only to be rudely awoken by your baby crying. Ok toddler but he is still my baby. After about 5 minutes of screeching you decide that something must really be wrong because it is a something is wrong cry. When you open the door the screeching stops, making you momentarily consider killing said baby, and both the baby and the kitten are staring at you. You think...hmmm the kitten was trapped in here...then you look at the carpet and notice brown spots. You look at the baby and figure it would be very difficult for him to do it and then you look at the poor, trapped little kitten. Fuck.

Poop cleaning is not fun to begin with. Add in 4 AM and you have yourself one whopper of a start to your day. After sleeping a bit more I wake up to one hell of a diaper and I think it is gonna be a crappy day. (Pun intended) Of course now I start to think about the not so relaxing week in FL and a potential solution to all the kid issues for the week. Think about it...crating could potentially solve many issues. I am not talking a small cat crate here. I'll spring for the St. Bernard size, I mean I am not that cruel.

Let's support my theory, shall we?

Baby does not want to sleep in pack-and-play so baby gets an air mattress. Baby gets up after 4 hours and toddles over to bed to sleep with Mom and Dad...every night on vacation. Solution - crate. Baby stays put.

5 year old has a melt down, kicking and screaming, regarding staying in FL vs. going home with Daddy...God Forbid she stay in sunshine with Grandma and Grandpa...Crate her. Keeps the door from breaking.

In the same melt down child swears she misses the kitten whom she has not paid attention to since 2 weeks after we got it for her....crate her. She can pretend she is the kitten going to the vet or something.

Baby chases scary seagulls at beach...pooping one luckily misses baby. Crate - keeps the poop and attack birds out.

Baby kicks and screams through last 1/2 hour of flight...crate em...worth the $20 to check baggage and they almost never loose them. Hey it is cheaper than a ticket and cheaper than buying the whole row drinks.

5 year old comes home after spending a week in FL and getting a whole new summer wardrobe compliments of Grandma...says "oh there is nothing new in my room'. Crate her - maybe she will better appreciate what she has.

Kids not sitting and kicking seat on class field trip - Crate em - hey they are not my kids.

Child has melt down while refusing to get hair washed...keeps escaping room prison...crate her - she'll stay put that way and you can hose her down easier.

Grandma flips because people are in her house making a mess....crate her. I don't know if it will solve anything but I may feel better.

I am sure there are more examples but my darling child is asking for another favor. She'll probably argue with me even if I do what she asks.....hmmmmmmmm maybe I should crate myself and take a nap.

How Not to Kill Your Child Chapter 9

Shut the door to keep the kid out or leave it open to let the cat in....that is the question?!

Miss me? People have expressed concern that my kids are actually behaving and thus my lack of posting. That is absolutely not the case. My kids are crazy as usual, it is just the same old stuff they get in trouble for, nothing new. Emma tackles her brother daily, has the attitude of a teenager and has turned into the naughty word police. When her Daddy used a naughty word for the second time yesterday, Miss attitude wanted to know if the Red Sox lost again. (Nah this time it was the Pats - poor guy had a rough sports day yesterday)

Nathan is into everything and anything and has turned from my sweet baby into a devil child. One morning started with his hands in the cat food, washed in the toilet and then in his own poop all within 1/2 hour!

His fascination with all things poop related has begun people. I came inside one evening to Phil screaming for help because Nathan pooped in our tub. Another evening I fielded a call in Target from my husband stating that he had to yell for Nathan not to put the bag in the toilet, while on the phone with work. Imagine the stares I got when I exclaimed out loud, "he put WHAT in the toilet?". I just love people staring at me too...gives you that warm and fuzzy feeling inside.


But this has all happened before in some form or another with Miss Em. Nothing I can't handle.

Today however I experienced a new one. Yes my friends I have experienced alot of poop with Emma, but she was only fascinated with her poop, not the cat's, or where the poop goes...aka the toilet. Nathan loves to try and scoop the litter and can often be found opening the toilet to play with the water. This morning Phil actually took cat poop out of the baby's hand and put it in the toilet. Later, Nathan was busy playing with a paint brush and pad that were left out to dry while I was cleaning up from the morning meals. I went into the bathroom and noticed the the cat poop from earlier was not flushed, so I flushed. In the few seconds that I went from the bathroom to the kitchen, a mere 5 feet, Nathan dashed from the laundry room, across the kitchen and into the bathroom in 3 seconds flat. I approached said bathroom and saw my son happily playing in the water. Upon closer inspection I saw the pad floating in the potty being stirred by a little hand containing the paintbrush.

Apparently Fisher Price missed the boat on the water table designed like a toilet. I mean who wants a boring old rectangle when a flushable bowl is so much more exciting!

I think I should keep the doors shut. Much easier to clean up a pile of cat poop than a potty flood. However, I haven't laughed this hard in a long time!

Ok - but still

I was told they do this to prevent kids from grabbing and choking (Carolyn works at Toys R Us) - but still!

Dear FisherPrice

I happen to love your products, especially the Little People line of toys. They provide both my kids hours of fun and thus hours of sanity for me. I am curious however about your packaging.
You see after countless gifts from Christmas and Birthdays have scraped and bloodied my hands and broken my nails, I am wondering what exactly you are trying to achieve by securing these products like Fort Knox.

Is there really a problem with theft of Little People from each box? Does someone walk by and have an overwhelming need for a Little People cooler and must steal it? I mean I can understand if you want your products to look as appealing as possible in the box, but must you really use 14 twist ties to do so? Your company is known for tough, quality products, can't the cooler stay open with just 1 tie instead of 2? And while we are on the subject of twist ties, why is each one tied differently? I know the economy is bad and people need jobs, but do you really have 14 different people tying each twist tie? And what's up with the new heavy duty ones on the Little People person. I take it a regular strength tie is just not good enough for Sarah Lynn and friend.

Not only are my hands in pain from untying the 14 ties, my nails are broken removing the tape securing these ties. What happened, were people actually getting these items untied in the store and therefore you needed more security and decided tape was the answer? As if the above packaging was not enough, there are pieces twist tied and then inside a piece of box! These must be the equivalent of the Little People royal crown jewels. I mean to actually get these out of the packaging requires a major time investment.

Next I was hoping you could address the bullet/moth/fire/water proof plastic packaging that is protecting the sleeping bags. It is so tight to the box, I loose another nail. Are you concerned that Sarah may get cold while camping and if some Little People addict steals her sleeping bag, she may not survive a night in the wilderness. She is a plastic toy people!

I saved the pièce de résistance for last. Seriously? Do you hate parents, or just non-plastic people in general? When I finally get everything out of the box within the box (which were taped together by the way), and am so close to handing my anxiously awaiting daughter her new toy, there are twist ties through, around and underneath various pieces! It takes a person with amazing strength or a degree in the physics of straightening twist ties that are stuck inside plastic objects to remove these ties. Is that really necessary? Is there a major concern that the vehicle wheels will magically start spinning and said vehicle will drove off? What kind of people test your products, Batman?

I feel very strongly that using a thin plastic band that is easily removable would not only make your product display more pleasing to the eye, it may even reduce costs and sell more products. Let's be frank, it can't be all that cost effective to have so many twist tie experts. At the very least, maybe you can co-brand with J&J and include a couple of Band Aids.

Thank you for your time. In case you were wondering it took me less time to type this letter than it did to untie the camping set.

Rebecca Moussally

PS.
After I bandage my bloody knuckles, I plan to write another letter to homeland security, suggesting they contact your package design team for ideas on how to keep America safe. If you can't get to Sarah Lynn, there ain't no way anyone could get to the US.

How Not to Kill Your Child Chapter 8

Avoid picture Christmas Cards.

I am assuming you all received your cards or will soon, so now I can blog about the fun filled experience of how they were created. Now to give my kids credit, their mother has not leared a thing in almost 4 years. Why why why did I try to take the card picture the same day we went to see Santa?! I guess I was in the fa la la spirit...or maybe it was because Emma would not shut up about putting on her Christmas jammies.....and subsequently about not taking them off.

Task, get my 3 1/2 year old to hold her 2 1/2 month old brother and get them both to smile for the camera. Easy right? HELL NO! One would think that it would be the baby that was the problem....nope, he smiled alot. It was Emma. Miss diva herself. "Emma, just smile and keep looking at the camera while I get Nathan to smile." Eyes to the left. "Emma look at the camera" followed my stupid sounds to get Nathan to smile. Eyes to the right. "Emma the camera". Fake smile, and so on. Now Nathan starts slipping (note, leather chair not a good idea) and Emma decides to hold him "close" around the neck. Struggling for air ensues prompting Emma to announce she does not want to smile or hold Nathan any longer. Fabulous......repeat above directions with threats of no TV, or naptime, etc. Can you feel the Christmas spirit now? Can you feel the overwhelming love for my children? The butt shots came out ...good angle. Who needs faces and smiles?

So then the task of picking out a card. I had a good pic of their smiles and a good pic of their bottoms. So all I need to do is find a 4x8 photo card with a spot for 2 pics. So I searched shutterfly since I had a coupon and Snapfish since I use them for everything. Did you know that 1-9 pictures does not mean that you can do 2? Oooooo Nooo Nooo Nooo, it is 1, 3, 4 or 9! In fact there was not one card with 2 openings. So after an hour of searcing and dispensing holiday cheer in the form of curse words, I went back to the pics and got the best one I could find. My little faker and a baby who was sick of the flash!

Now on to the actual sending of cards. It really is a nice idea and all, but I am starting to think we send way too many. I mean I ordered 80 cards. Off go cards to Aunt so and so and friend of mother in law and step grandma with dementia who doesn't even know I have kids. Off go cards to people I have not seen in over 2 years. Off go cards to family members who barely even acknowledged I had a baby, or didn't acknowlege at all. Why you ask? Well I guess it is etiquette, but each year I really hate it more. I mean all the people I care about , you guys :), hear from me throughout the year, get pics of the kids often and actually keep in touch. I want to send them to you guys, however you see the kids pics all the time. So do you really need another one? Maybe we should just avoid cards all together and pick up the phone to wish each other a Merry Christmas. And all those other people will just have to ask if they want to see pics of the kids, or better yet come visit. Is this horrible of me?

Ah the holidays. The wonder and excitement of children really means the repetition of "how many days till Christmas", "Can we wrap presents?", " I want that", "Are we bringing presents to Grandmas?", "What do you like best about Christmas?", "What do you want for Christmas?", "You can get me ____.", "Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy!" Thank the weight watchers Gods for giving each serving of alcohol points, otherwise Mommy would be in the bag...or Santa's sack, since it is Christmas.

Enjoy the outtakes. ( I deleted all the really bad ones ).....

Beware of Poopy Socks

Another poop story you say.....absolutely!

Nathan loves to poop on Mommy, well at least when Mommy is holding him. He only likes to actually poop on Aunt Kathy! So my healthy little boy has decided that pooping is fun and he must do it 3-4 times a day.

It is quite challenging to change a squirmy baby and keep the poop off the clothes. I was therefore pretty proud of myself for saving the expensive (yet kinda girly) outfit he was wearing. Nathan however had other ideas and decided to put his sock clad foot right in the dirty diaper. Then as I was holding the one foot away from the diaper, in went the other. So now I have a half diapered baby and two poopy socks.

May I recommend to all of you NOT to pull poopy socks off by the toes. Why you ask? Well socks have elastic and elastic snaps. If poop happens to be on the snappy item it may fly......right onto your forehead! Yup I hit a new mommy low and there was baby crap on my forehead! Not only was it there and I wiped it off, I missed some and when pushing my hair outta my eyes got a poopy hand. Yummy!

I think I may have gone through an entire box of wipes in one change....Babies R Us shall remain in business thanks to the Moussally clan.

Today started with poop at 2AM and 6AM....wish me luck!

Here's the outfit...what do you think?