How Not to Kill Your Child Chapter 4.5

DO NOT PUT UP CHRISTMAS LIGHTS WITH THEM AROUND! Repeat this saying every holiday season until they are old enough to prefer the mall to being outside with you.

My theory is the part of the brain that miraculously dulls the memory of the pain of childbirth is the same part of the brain that forgets what a PITA putting up Christmas lights is. Add in a toddler who has discovered the word why and thrives on asking non-stop questions on repeat until she gets the answer she wants, and you have a reason to both not EVER reproduce again or put up lights. Each year this endearing task falls to me, since I have no choice but to operate on the "if you want something done, do it yourself" plan. This year I thought, hey maybe Emma would like to help. Apparantly I killed too many braincells in college because how stupid a thought was that? Imagine a tangle of lights and someone repeating Mommy every 5 seconds or so. Then as you are finally getting the lights to fit all your trees, "Mommy do you want to play with me?" To which you reply " when I am finished". Now instead of Mommy every 5 seconds I get "Are you finished yet?" Finally after screaming NO and telling her to go play with her car I have a few seconds of peace.

Now imagine you get to the end and have one more set of lights left. Picture the end of one plug with 2 identcally sized holes.....and the plug to the new lights that has one large and one small spoke (or whatever you call them). Enter child - "Are you done yet? Can you stop and play with me for a minute and then finish?" " Can I play in your car, I am cold?" "Can I play in your car Mommy?" "Please can I play in your car for a bit?" "Please can you let me in the car?" So after muttering "I am gonna f-ing kill you" under my breath I tell her to go inside if she is cold which then prompts screaming. Ahhhhhh Fa La La La La. Miss ADD then moves on to begging for a show so after agreeing to put one on after I finish the last bush (mind you I gave up on one with mismatched plugs and thus totally skipped it) we had an amicable few minutes.

A show is on, she has a sandwich and I am trying to regain some sort of holiday cheer. After all "Santa is watching" - which is another common phrase around here.