How Not to Kill your Child - Chapter 12

WOW! Has it really been almost 2 years! I guess I have just been more outspoken than normal and no longer need an outlet for my thoughts. However, life has been a whirlwind of drama and stress lately so I have a feeling we may start a new book called "How Not to Kill Your Parents"....but more on that later.

So it is Christmas time again. That delightful time of year when the children are filled with the excitement and wonder of the season. The time of year when elves and Santa manage this discipline so Mommy and Daddy have less to yell about. We are all in high spirits, smiling and reminiscing whilst we take out and place each decoration carefully and lovingly. As a family we peruse the various ads picking out gifts we know our loved ones will cherish for years to come.......sound like your house??

Let's be real here folks! While I love Christmas, it has turned into a ball of stress, flies by way to quickly and I am beginning to hate rec or rating. Yep that is all Nathan talks about rec or rating. He woke me up no less than 5 times Sunday morning starting at 6 AM to ask when we can rec or rate. This is after hours of rec or rating we did Saturday after driving back from RI where he "helped" rec or rate my in- law's house. When can you go in the attic Mommy? Where does this go Mommy? I want more rec or rations Mommy? Why don't I have more rec or rations for my room Mommy? Why can't we rec or rate more Mommy? Are you done with outside yet because I want to rec or rate inside again Mommy? Are there more boxes Mommy?

Put those questions on an infinite loop and you will wonder why I hide in the bathroom with the door locked for 20 minutes or so. Needless to say it is November 27, and my house is mostly decorated (minus the village and the tree). God HELP me when I run out of rec or rations because the tantrum that follows is likely going to be heard all the way in the Hills.

Yesterday we spent time rec or rating the fireplace mantle. I finally get the berries just right and move on to my snowmen....Nathan come walking in with the snowman from the mantle ....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh

Then I hear, Mommy can you fix this...it wasn't an accident. I hesitate to correct him since this statement is usually accurate. PLUS Grandma and Grandpa will be living here over the holidays and we need to rec or rate for Grandma so she will be surprised. And Emma wants to know when we can make cookies.

So my fellow friends...how do you keep from killing your child......celebrate Hanukkah.

How Not to Kill Your Child Chapter 11

Exercise, Cookies and Wine.

I inadvertently stacked these items to bring them downstairs, and then had to laugh as it was a perfect depiction of my life lately.

As most of you know, my husband has decided to winter in China, leaving me here with our two delightful children and my 5 month old niece. Oh, don't get me wrong, we could have uprooted our family in the incredibly generous 3 weeks notice and all gone to China, but, well, ummm NO.

I have a bunch of wonderful friends helping me through this insane time. Mostly though, people just want to know we are doing. Here are some of the better examples of how we are coping.

The first day I had all 3 kids on my own, Nathan woke up screaming for Daddy for 2 hours and I sent Emma to school without her teeth brushed. I felt so awful and was afraid she would get made fun of for bad breath. Later that week I had my undies on inside out, and my voice was hoarse from screaming.

During our second week the bus decided not to come one day.

Then Phil came home for Turkey Day and proceeded to take the new schedule and shove it. So after a brief visit and retraining, we are back to our regularly scheduled craziness.


When not hitting his baby cousin with a plastic hammer, Nathan can be found...


- pouring Mommy and Auntie more wine in Auntie's living room.


- flinging the remaining Cheerios around the family room...about half a box. Cheese-its and cat food also have the same desired effect.

- spilling milk, juice or any liquid substance all over the table or floor.


- drawing with marker....on Emma's chair or himself.

- emptying all the soap in the sink or tub.

- or hitting/biting/tackling Emma.



Today so far he has opened a bottle of Motrin and attempted to fill the medicine spoon. Not only was the spoon filled, so was the sink. Not sure if the child proof cap was loose but I hope to hell so, or I am in trouble! Then he INSISTED he needed to stand up all the picture frames that were piled up to make room for Christmas decor, and after repeated requests to leave them along, one fell and broke. And finally he spilled milk all over the table, chair and floor. Yuck! It looked like an accident, but knowing him, he tried to pour the milk on his bread for fun. All of this is followed with a pitiful..."sorry Mommy". Somehow I feel bad. Little manipulator.



Now on to Emma. She is such a delight these days. I didn't know there were so many possible opinions to have on just about everything! And did you know that every disappointment requires a bucket full of tears. I mean if the color of the toilet paper is not the right shade of white, tears. Imagine therefore, the following scenario. Go to McDonald's and ask for 1 girl and 1 boy Happy Meal. The toys are Hello Kitty and Transformers. We get 2 meals with a Transformer in each meal. Did you know that McDonald's made Emma into a boy. Yep they just did a gender change right there in the drive though lane and now Emma is a boy. We had to hear this the whole way home from the McD's by Target. I almost wet my pants I was trying so hard not to laugh.



Talking back is a favorite pastime, and overall freshness is a common theme. Perfect example, we have to bring the garbage and recycling down every other Monday. Now garbage goes out twice a week so we are talking 2 out of 8 days a month, I ask for help dragging and empty blue recycling bin up the driveway. It even has a string tied on the side handle to make pulling easier. Now remember it is EMPTY. "Moooommm this is soooo heavy, I can't do this." "Just help me please Emma." I get to the top with my 2 garbage cans, newspaper recycling bucket, Emma's backpack and the mail, and turn around. There is Emma. No bucket. "Emma, where is the bucket?" "I left it there" as she points down the driveway. In the middle of the hill is the bucket on its side. The little brat just dropped the damn thing and walked up the driveway empty handed without a care in the world. Really? Really?



To manage all this stress....the doctors all want to know how you manage stress, as if you have time to manage it....Carolyn and I have started an exercise program of our own making. Carolyn brings over her videos of these psycho freaks doing squats. Forward squats, backward squats, sumo squats. You are not supposed to let your knee go over your toe when squatting....do you know how hard that is when you have small feet? I mean it is near impossible. So I worry about my feet and then do a backward squat instead of a forward squat and it all goes to hell from there. To make it even more challenging, the kids need to stand directly in front of or behind us while we are doing these things. And on some days I get really lucky and Nathan lays on me while I do sit ups. I'd like to see these workout buffs handle that in a video. I follow these sessions with wine and cookies. As you can imagine I am not "getting the arms and legs I always wanted".


While all this fun is going on, we are preparing for Christmas. Carolyn and I are dragging our trees in and putting up lights. My village is up, presents and being purchased and wrapped. Cards were created and partially sent. Cookies are baked and discarded or eaten.There are lots of holiday events going on that the kids want to participate in and everyone is coming here for Christmas. We are like the Whos down in Whoville and the Grinch is on Skpe yelling about money. Gotta love the mute button. Now Grinchy did purchase 6 presents in China for me so I had less to do. He arrives on the 22 (3 days before Christmas for those who are counting).



So when people ask, I tell them I am crazier than usual and most likely drunk. It has been 10 days without a break away from my darlings and I can't WAIT until this weekend when I get a night out with some friends, and a night and day to myself thanks to Carolyn.




Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Happy New Year to all of you. Come on over and hang out...there is almost always a bottle of wine open. :)

How Not to Kill Your Child Chapter 10

Crate them!
(thank you Southwest- I think - for the idea)

Imagine yourself all cozy in bed at 4AM and sound asleep only to be rudely awoken by your baby crying. Ok toddler but he is still my baby. After about 5 minutes of screeching you decide that something must really be wrong because it is a something is wrong cry. When you open the door the screeching stops, making you momentarily consider killing said baby, and both the baby and the kitten are staring at you. You think...hmmm the kitten was trapped in here...then you look at the carpet and notice brown spots. You look at the baby and figure it would be very difficult for him to do it and then you look at the poor, trapped little kitten. Fuck.

Poop cleaning is not fun to begin with. Add in 4 AM and you have yourself one whopper of a start to your day. After sleeping a bit more I wake up to one hell of a diaper and I think it is gonna be a crappy day. (Pun intended) Of course now I start to think about the not so relaxing week in FL and a potential solution to all the kid issues for the week. Think about it...crating could potentially solve many issues. I am not talking a small cat crate here. I'll spring for the St. Bernard size, I mean I am not that cruel.

Let's support my theory, shall we?

Baby does not want to sleep in pack-and-play so baby gets an air mattress. Baby gets up after 4 hours and toddles over to bed to sleep with Mom and Dad...every night on vacation. Solution - crate. Baby stays put.

5 year old has a melt down, kicking and screaming, regarding staying in FL vs. going home with Daddy...God Forbid she stay in sunshine with Grandma and Grandpa...Crate her. Keeps the door from breaking.

In the same melt down child swears she misses the kitten whom she has not paid attention to since 2 weeks after we got it for her....crate her. She can pretend she is the kitten going to the vet or something.

Baby chases scary seagulls at beach...pooping one luckily misses baby. Crate - keeps the poop and attack birds out.

Baby kicks and screams through last 1/2 hour of flight...crate em...worth the $20 to check baggage and they almost never loose them. Hey it is cheaper than a ticket and cheaper than buying the whole row drinks.

5 year old comes home after spending a week in FL and getting a whole new summer wardrobe compliments of Grandma...says "oh there is nothing new in my room'. Crate her - maybe she will better appreciate what she has.

Kids not sitting and kicking seat on class field trip - Crate em - hey they are not my kids.

Child has melt down while refusing to get hair washed...keeps escaping room prison...crate her - she'll stay put that way and you can hose her down easier.

Grandma flips because people are in her house making a mess....crate her. I don't know if it will solve anything but I may feel better.

I am sure there are more examples but my darling child is asking for another favor. She'll probably argue with me even if I do what she asks.....hmmmmmmmm maybe I should crate myself and take a nap.

How Not to Kill Your Child Chapter 9

Shut the door to keep the kid out or leave it open to let the cat in....that is the question?!

Miss me? People have expressed concern that my kids are actually behaving and thus my lack of posting. That is absolutely not the case. My kids are crazy as usual, it is just the same old stuff they get in trouble for, nothing new. Emma tackles her brother daily, has the attitude of a teenager and has turned into the naughty word police. When her Daddy used a naughty word for the second time yesterday, Miss attitude wanted to know if the Red Sox lost again. (Nah this time it was the Pats - poor guy had a rough sports day yesterday)

Nathan is into everything and anything and has turned from my sweet baby into a devil child. One morning started with his hands in the cat food, washed in the toilet and then in his own poop all within 1/2 hour!

His fascination with all things poop related has begun people. I came inside one evening to Phil screaming for help because Nathan pooped in our tub. Another evening I fielded a call in Target from my husband stating that he had to yell for Nathan not to put the bag in the toilet, while on the phone with work. Imagine the stares I got when I exclaimed out loud, "he put WHAT in the toilet?". I just love people staring at me too...gives you that warm and fuzzy feeling inside.


But this has all happened before in some form or another with Miss Em. Nothing I can't handle.

Today however I experienced a new one. Yes my friends I have experienced alot of poop with Emma, but she was only fascinated with her poop, not the cat's, or where the poop goes...aka the toilet. Nathan loves to try and scoop the litter and can often be found opening the toilet to play with the water. This morning Phil actually took cat poop out of the baby's hand and put it in the toilet. Later, Nathan was busy playing with a paint brush and pad that were left out to dry while I was cleaning up from the morning meals. I went into the bathroom and noticed the the cat poop from earlier was not flushed, so I flushed. In the few seconds that I went from the bathroom to the kitchen, a mere 5 feet, Nathan dashed from the laundry room, across the kitchen and into the bathroom in 3 seconds flat. I approached said bathroom and saw my son happily playing in the water. Upon closer inspection I saw the pad floating in the potty being stirred by a little hand containing the paintbrush.

Apparently Fisher Price missed the boat on the water table designed like a toilet. I mean who wants a boring old rectangle when a flushable bowl is so much more exciting!

I think I should keep the doors shut. Much easier to clean up a pile of cat poop than a potty flood. However, I haven't laughed this hard in a long time!

Ok - but still

I was told they do this to prevent kids from grabbing and choking (Carolyn works at Toys R Us) - but still!

Dear FisherPrice

I happen to love your products, especially the Little People line of toys. They provide both my kids hours of fun and thus hours of sanity for me. I am curious however about your packaging.
You see after countless gifts from Christmas and Birthdays have scraped and bloodied my hands and broken my nails, I am wondering what exactly you are trying to achieve by securing these products like Fort Knox.

Is there really a problem with theft of Little People from each box? Does someone walk by and have an overwhelming need for a Little People cooler and must steal it? I mean I can understand if you want your products to look as appealing as possible in the box, but must you really use 14 twist ties to do so? Your company is known for tough, quality products, can't the cooler stay open with just 1 tie instead of 2? And while we are on the subject of twist ties, why is each one tied differently? I know the economy is bad and people need jobs, but do you really have 14 different people tying each twist tie? And what's up with the new heavy duty ones on the Little People person. I take it a regular strength tie is just not good enough for Sarah Lynn and friend.

Not only are my hands in pain from untying the 14 ties, my nails are broken removing the tape securing these ties. What happened, were people actually getting these items untied in the store and therefore you needed more security and decided tape was the answer? As if the above packaging was not enough, there are pieces twist tied and then inside a piece of box! These must be the equivalent of the Little People royal crown jewels. I mean to actually get these out of the packaging requires a major time investment.

Next I was hoping you could address the bullet/moth/fire/water proof plastic packaging that is protecting the sleeping bags. It is so tight to the box, I loose another nail. Are you concerned that Sarah may get cold while camping and if some Little People addict steals her sleeping bag, she may not survive a night in the wilderness. She is a plastic toy people!

I saved the pièce de résistance for last. Seriously? Do you hate parents, or just non-plastic people in general? When I finally get everything out of the box within the box (which were taped together by the way), and am so close to handing my anxiously awaiting daughter her new toy, there are twist ties through, around and underneath various pieces! It takes a person with amazing strength or a degree in the physics of straightening twist ties that are stuck inside plastic objects to remove these ties. Is that really necessary? Is there a major concern that the vehicle wheels will magically start spinning and said vehicle will drove off? What kind of people test your products, Batman?

I feel very strongly that using a thin plastic band that is easily removable would not only make your product display more pleasing to the eye, it may even reduce costs and sell more products. Let's be frank, it can't be all that cost effective to have so many twist tie experts. At the very least, maybe you can co-brand with J&J and include a couple of Band Aids.

Thank you for your time. In case you were wondering it took me less time to type this letter than it did to untie the camping set.

Rebecca Moussally

PS.
After I bandage my bloody knuckles, I plan to write another letter to homeland security, suggesting they contact your package design team for ideas on how to keep America safe. If you can't get to Sarah Lynn, there ain't no way anyone could get to the US.

How Not to Kill Your Child Chapter 8

Avoid picture Christmas Cards.

I am assuming you all received your cards or will soon, so now I can blog about the fun filled experience of how they were created. Now to give my kids credit, their mother has not leared a thing in almost 4 years. Why why why did I try to take the card picture the same day we went to see Santa?! I guess I was in the fa la la spirit...or maybe it was because Emma would not shut up about putting on her Christmas jammies.....and subsequently about not taking them off.

Task, get my 3 1/2 year old to hold her 2 1/2 month old brother and get them both to smile for the camera. Easy right? HELL NO! One would think that it would be the baby that was the problem....nope, he smiled alot. It was Emma. Miss diva herself. "Emma, just smile and keep looking at the camera while I get Nathan to smile." Eyes to the left. "Emma look at the camera" followed my stupid sounds to get Nathan to smile. Eyes to the right. "Emma the camera". Fake smile, and so on. Now Nathan starts slipping (note, leather chair not a good idea) and Emma decides to hold him "close" around the neck. Struggling for air ensues prompting Emma to announce she does not want to smile or hold Nathan any longer. Fabulous......repeat above directions with threats of no TV, or naptime, etc. Can you feel the Christmas spirit now? Can you feel the overwhelming love for my children? The butt shots came out ...good angle. Who needs faces and smiles?

So then the task of picking out a card. I had a good pic of their smiles and a good pic of their bottoms. So all I need to do is find a 4x8 photo card with a spot for 2 pics. So I searched shutterfly since I had a coupon and Snapfish since I use them for everything. Did you know that 1-9 pictures does not mean that you can do 2? Oooooo Nooo Nooo Nooo, it is 1, 3, 4 or 9! In fact there was not one card with 2 openings. So after an hour of searcing and dispensing holiday cheer in the form of curse words, I went back to the pics and got the best one I could find. My little faker and a baby who was sick of the flash!

Now on to the actual sending of cards. It really is a nice idea and all, but I am starting to think we send way too many. I mean I ordered 80 cards. Off go cards to Aunt so and so and friend of mother in law and step grandma with dementia who doesn't even know I have kids. Off go cards to people I have not seen in over 2 years. Off go cards to family members who barely even acknowledged I had a baby, or didn't acknowlege at all. Why you ask? Well I guess it is etiquette, but each year I really hate it more. I mean all the people I care about , you guys :), hear from me throughout the year, get pics of the kids often and actually keep in touch. I want to send them to you guys, however you see the kids pics all the time. So do you really need another one? Maybe we should just avoid cards all together and pick up the phone to wish each other a Merry Christmas. And all those other people will just have to ask if they want to see pics of the kids, or better yet come visit. Is this horrible of me?

Ah the holidays. The wonder and excitement of children really means the repetition of "how many days till Christmas", "Can we wrap presents?", " I want that", "Are we bringing presents to Grandmas?", "What do you like best about Christmas?", "What do you want for Christmas?", "You can get me ____.", "Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy!" Thank the weight watchers Gods for giving each serving of alcohol points, otherwise Mommy would be in the bag...or Santa's sack, since it is Christmas.

Enjoy the outtakes. ( I deleted all the really bad ones ).....

Beware of Poopy Socks

Another poop story you say.....absolutely!

Nathan loves to poop on Mommy, well at least when Mommy is holding him. He only likes to actually poop on Aunt Kathy! So my healthy little boy has decided that pooping is fun and he must do it 3-4 times a day.

It is quite challenging to change a squirmy baby and keep the poop off the clothes. I was therefore pretty proud of myself for saving the expensive (yet kinda girly) outfit he was wearing. Nathan however had other ideas and decided to put his sock clad foot right in the dirty diaper. Then as I was holding the one foot away from the diaper, in went the other. So now I have a half diapered baby and two poopy socks.

May I recommend to all of you NOT to pull poopy socks off by the toes. Why you ask? Well socks have elastic and elastic snaps. If poop happens to be on the snappy item it may fly......right onto your forehead! Yup I hit a new mommy low and there was baby crap on my forehead! Not only was it there and I wiped it off, I missed some and when pushing my hair outta my eyes got a poopy hand. Yummy!

I think I may have gone through an entire box of wipes in one change....Babies R Us shall remain in business thanks to the Moussally clan.

Today started with poop at 2AM and 6AM....wish me luck!

Here's the outfit...what do you think?

Can you say Schmorgashborg? Better yet can you spell it?

Everytime I think about writing, life gets in the way. It is not like we have been very busy, it is just that there is alot of crap going on and it makes me tired. So here is a random account of all that has been going on in Becca land. Warning - rambling ahead.



Emma has been into weddings lately. Not sure why, but she has plans to marry her Daddy and told me that I would get a new ring when I marry Nathan. Somehow I don't have the heart to correct her. So we have to have the "dancing part" and she puts on classical music and we all have to dance our wedding dances, while here dolls and stuffed animals watch on chairs she sets up. Quite a production! So on our anniversary Oct 23, we decided to watch our wedding video with her. Yes I said video, 9 years ago, DVD recording was considered new technology. Let's just say that I never thought I looked old or my friends had changed until I watched the video. Holy mackrel I was a baby! Some friends/family look older, others thinner, fatter, prettier...well you get the point. There were so many people who had passed on and thought it was hard to see my grandmother, her happiness radiated outward that day adn I am grateful that I have it captured on film. Emma, surprisingly, recognized everyone! I am happy to say that the majority of friends that surrounded us that day are still a huge part of our lives.



Now I have been asked many times what I would have done differently, and I think the correct response is supposed to be "nothing at all, it was a perfect day". Yeah right. I was under the impression that if my parents were paying for it, then they called the shots. So many friends were not included on the guest list and my wedding party could have included so many others that were important to us. Unfortunately I can not go back, but I do think that someday we should have a big old celebration of our lives and invite everyone! So dust off some of those old bridesmaid dresses because you never know when an invitation may come in the mail . BTW Don Corne did dance at our wedding, so I consider the day almost perfect :)



Moving on.....for the 3rd year in a row, water damage has reared its ugly head at the end of October in our money pit of a house. Yuppers once again the walls came tumbling down in the downstiars bathroom and family room. The plumber was called and nothing. No leaky pipe, no punctured waste pipe, no easy fix. The assumption was ground water....WTF! Groundwater! As Phil and I stared at each other numbly, our dull eyes held this conversation "32,000 f-ing dollars of underground work and a new water line and it is groundwater." So the high tech plan was to wait it out and dry with fans and the dehumidifier (think we have done this before?). If it is groundwater from the miniscule amount of rain we had, then it would go away. At this point I asked both Phil and super-plumber Jim if it could be the dishwater or from upstairs....no no no no , not possible.



Low and behold no rain = more water. Again WTF!!! This can't be possible. So now the theory is that the water line might be leaking. Yup, the brand new water line we put in last November. Problem though - my brilliant hubby decided that the pipe would be safer if it was inserted into PVC pipe. Good thought, however if the thing leaks, you would never be able to find it. FABULOUS. So we actually got smart this time and called the water company before digging. They tested for chlorine in the leak - negative. If it was a leak from the main line it would have been positive. They also suggested we put a pipe in a 4 ft small hole. If water came bursting out of the ground, it was a leak. If it rose a bit but stayed in teh hole - no leak. The ground was bone dry. Bone dry! Guess it is not groundwater. THis is good news becuse it is not a result of the $32,000+ of work, but bad news because we have no idea what is leaking. May I remind you that the house needs to sell next year, and people tend to frown on homes that are leaking. So for peace of mind I ask Phil to look under the dishwasher just in case. Dishwasher is dry buuuuutttt Holy Water Batman the sink is leaking. That's right folks, the impossible is possible and there was a leak from upstairs. Straight down the wall and behind a gap in the cinderblocks supporting the chimney. So we now have a new faucet and a dry basement. Warped baseboards and some nicked up paneling and a hole in the bathroom wall the only evidence of a disaster....nothing paint and sheetrock can't fix.



Following this delightful event was major Carolyn drama, parent involvement in Carolyn drama, childish behavior between Carolyn and Parents, a disappointed little girl due to Carolyn drama, a discussion with a 3 year old on divorce, 2 sick kids, a decision to divorce, continued drama, parent/teach conferences and birth control from Dr. Hotty. Oh yeah and Halloween too!



A big shout out to Allison and Jenny who visited in the middle of Carolyn drama and helped us cope. Also, kudos to Meri who got the whole story Tursday night.



Notable quotes from my lovely 3 year old:

"I don't want to be like you Mommy. I wanna be like me and I want to be LOUD."

" When is Phil's mother going home."

"Dora's Mommy had 2 babies, why can't you?" My response: "Because Dora's Mommy has alot more money"!

Holy Crap!!!!!!!!!

Emma kept repeating that she was "really strong" so I looked up from the computer and Nathan was no longer in the bouncy seat. He was now on Emma's lap on the floor. HEEEELLLLLLPPPPP MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guess I can't ignore her repeating anymore.

How Not to Kill Your Child Chapter 7

Master the art of typing with one hand....

Hello all. I decided this weekend to attempt a blog with all my ramblings. Maybe this way they will stay organized in case I ever write a book ...doubtful, but at least I can find everything in one place.

I saw a few friends over the weekend that mentioned I hadn't done one of these in awhile. My response was that Emma was being a good girl....however she now has a brother!

For those of you who do not know, Nathan has some issues with pooping. Seriously, what is with my kids and poop? Anyway he will not go for about 36 hours and spends about 24 of them grunting and miserable. Unfortunately we have to "help" him along at times to make the misery end and then you get the mother load each time. FUN FUN FUN here in Moussally land. So he eats, sleeps and screams for most of the day. I was awakened at 2:30 AM this morning to said grunting and fussing. However each time I got out of bed he was sleeping through it...makes one of us. Feeding time wasn't for another couple hours, so I gave it at 3:45 and cuddled on the couch with my little man. Needless to say his sleep was fitful and I would wake every few minutes to put the pacifier back in his mouth. Up and time to eat at 7 and then I spent the rest of the day trying to get off the couch. Nathan had different ideas and each time he was put down would scream uncontrollably until I picked him up again thinking he was gassy or something. Ummm NOPE just wanted Mommy.

Finally the poor kid poops and I am like hallelujah I can finally get a break. My back and neck are killing me. Again, not so much. Nathan screaming then prompts Emma to scream for me to come get him and all hell just breaks loose. I often dream of locking myself in the bathroom and hiding in the shower until they both forget I am there....no such luck, Em is too smart. Carolyn called at 11 and then again at 2 and wanted to know why everything sounded the same as it did 3 hours ago! So since my running for Mom of the Year ended a long time ago I decided to do some laundry while my 6 week old laid on top of the "in use" dryer. He was happy as could be. Later on I let him scream for 15 minutes straight and let Em "watch" him, which consists of shoving the pacifier in his mouth and read him stories. Well he calmed down for about 10 minutes so I was psyched. I just put him down to type this about 5 minutes ago and he is working himself into a dither again. Fabulous. Looks like something microwaveable for dinner since Phil is working late and I am about ready to drop from exhaustion.....gotta go pry the preschooler off the infant now.

Ciao

PS. Thank God for Facebook....it only requires minimal typing! Although I suck at Scramble with one hand.

How Not to Kill Your Child Chapter 4.5

DO NOT PUT UP CHRISTMAS LIGHTS WITH THEM AROUND! Repeat this saying every holiday season until they are old enough to prefer the mall to being outside with you.

My theory is the part of the brain that miraculously dulls the memory of the pain of childbirth is the same part of the brain that forgets what a PITA putting up Christmas lights is. Add in a toddler who has discovered the word why and thrives on asking non-stop questions on repeat until she gets the answer she wants, and you have a reason to both not EVER reproduce again or put up lights. Each year this endearing task falls to me, since I have no choice but to operate on the "if you want something done, do it yourself" plan. This year I thought, hey maybe Emma would like to help. Apparantly I killed too many braincells in college because how stupid a thought was that? Imagine a tangle of lights and someone repeating Mommy every 5 seconds or so. Then as you are finally getting the lights to fit all your trees, "Mommy do you want to play with me?" To which you reply " when I am finished". Now instead of Mommy every 5 seconds I get "Are you finished yet?" Finally after screaming NO and telling her to go play with her car I have a few seconds of peace.

Now imagine you get to the end and have one more set of lights left. Picture the end of one plug with 2 identcally sized holes.....and the plug to the new lights that has one large and one small spoke (or whatever you call them). Enter child - "Are you done yet? Can you stop and play with me for a minute and then finish?" " Can I play in your car, I am cold?" "Can I play in your car Mommy?" "Please can I play in your car for a bit?" "Please can you let me in the car?" So after muttering "I am gonna f-ing kill you" under my breath I tell her to go inside if she is cold which then prompts screaming. Ahhhhhh Fa La La La La. Miss ADD then moves on to begging for a show so after agreeing to put one on after I finish the last bush (mind you I gave up on one with mismatched plugs and thus totally skipped it) we had an amicable few minutes.

A show is on, she has a sandwich and I am trying to regain some sort of holiday cheer. After all "Santa is watching" - which is another common phrase around here.

How Not to Kill Your Child - Chapter 6

The "experts" say that a child can regress once potty trained......Emma has been fully potty trained - night time too - for a couple months now and is doing great, so do you think the "expert" knowledge can be applied to cats? Just curious, because this morning I awoke to my husband standing at the end of the bed with a pile of something in a tissue in his hand, while I am petting said cat. "Guess what this is?"
Now for those of you who have seen me in the AM, I am not quite a morning person. I had already be woken up by Phil getting up to get ready for work. Then Emma bounds out of bed and wakes me up to find Daddy, because God forbid he is not the first person she sees. Maxie then jumps on the bed and as I roll over decides I must be up and ready to pet her. So as I try to wrap my groggy mind around the fact that it is already morning, and have yet to put my glasses on, the sound of a storm trooper stomping down the hall into the bedroom (some of you have experienced the phenomenon of Phil "walking" which is more like stomping
- although he does not agree) and presenting me with a riddle as to what is in his hand, was enough to get my very large pregnant butt out of bed. "Poop?" I say....."Yes she pooped on the rug under Emma's chair and I have no time to clean it up! This cat has got to go!" FABULOUS.
So kitty has been pooping on the rug lately over the past week. Once in the baby's room for no apparent reason and now twice on the rug in the dining room and 1 pee on same rug. Smells great I tell ya! Before I get my breakfast I spray and dab at the rug multiple times, take Maxie to her litter box and wash my hands twice. Cat has no food, which I attribute to the pooping so I feed her...does she get out of her basket to eat....of course not. Ok settling into the day, I am now on the couch in the living room reading US Weekly - Halley Berry would love to be pregnant forever, WTF is wrong with that girl. Keep in mind that the living room and dining room are essentially the same room....all of a sudden Maxie is scratching at the rug again. I start yelling but tooo late. The little fing poop has just pissed on the rug RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. Well I run after her yelling (lets be real I waddled down the hall) and she hides. Only to emerge and be tossed on the stairs and have the baby gate closed in her face, where she remains crying to this point. More dab and spray, dab and spray and wash hands. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh
So I spent the weekend and this morning trying to come up with reasons Maxie might be pissed.
1. This all started around the tag sale....could she really be that upset that stuff that has been in the back of the attic for 4 1/2 years has been sold. Or that we are cleaning out all little girl clothes? Ummmm I think not. 2. Emma has decided she is old enough to scoop the litter......does Maxie somehow know this and disagree? Possible 3. I have not been up to my usual cleaning standards lately (shocking I
know) and the downstairs was a disaster. Feeling bad (and basically assuming I would not s^&t in the bathroom either since it was so dirty) I cleaned the downstairs bathroom, where the litter box is, top to bottom on Sat. Does that make Princess Kitty happy...apparently NOT. 4. We took the crib down....now she pooped in the baby's room before this.......could this be an issue? Possibly, but seriously get over it. 5. She finally realized Lexus is not coming back.....ummm HELLO it has been almost 3 months. Not that you cared when she was going away. You ran away. NOW you are upset?
So frankly we have no idea what is wrong with this cat. Needless to say if she keeps crying non-stop she may not make it much longer. Emma keeps telling her that it is ok...accidents happen. Now how to explain to a 3 year old that when you piss on purpose outside of pissing receptacle...it is not an accident.
Why is someone always pooping in the wrong spot around here??? Why?
I think I will go waddle around Wal-Mart for some retail therapy and more rug cleaner.


Suggestions?
Hope all is well with all of you....and may your day be poop free.

How Not to Kill Your Child Chapter 3

So there are a lot of childless people out there and older people who forget, that have many opinions on how to raise a child and about potty training. Seriously, someone needs to teach these people how to refrain from stupid comments. You know the ones that start with ”You never did that so I can’t help you” or “You can’t just stop potty training or your child will be just like everyone else trained at 3 or 4.” “Just tell her she is not a baby”…..Ummm thanks people. You can all go hang out with the people that tell me my daughter is a doll and so cute. Those people are the ones I am recruiting for babysitters …..

For those of you who know Emma, normal or just like everyone else are words I would never use to describe her. Can she go on the potty? Yup. Does she get the concept? Yup. The problem in my opinion, she is too freakin lazy. The kicker lately is that she seems to have given up napping. During this time in her room she has to go potty, then feels the need to remove her pull up or diaper by herself and make sure the potty gets all over her room. Could someone just shoot me now?! This combined with her ignoring me, not listening to a word I say and her favorite phrase “go away Mommy” has me physically restraining myself from reaching for the bottle of tequila at least 3 times a day. Since alcohol intake while watching children is generally frowned upon in society I have instead regressed down to her level by screaming right back at her. Unfortunately this usually just makes her get louder and the all out tantrum complete with kicking and hitting ensues.

So the next suggestion from the baby rearing powers that be is to remove yourself from the child and room for a few minutes. These geniuses forgot to add in a section on what to do if they follow you and can unlock and open doors? One of my friends hides in her pantry for a few minutes and like most kids, her child can not open the door. Not Emma. Oh no, she needs to follow me screaming the whole time and if I am luck enough to have a closed, unopenable door in front of me, proceeds to throw her little body against it in frustration.

How do you not kill your child? Pretend to cry. She then concentrates on making me fell better for a minute. Email or call people with kids or Get a bi-polar one like mine who is manipulative enough to hug me and tell me I am her best friend right before I reach boiling point.

Some of those older people mentioned in the first paragraph tell you that 2 is such a fun age. I think these people hit the bottle of tequila one too many times. Then they want to know when the next one is coming………

PS. I just picked up the little &^%$^&& room and she is destroying it (you know instead of NAPPING!)

How Not to Kill Your Child Chapter 4

Scrub Them

Well my friends, it has been awhile. Em has been pretty good lately and so there has not been much to complain about, except the fact that she flat out refuses to learn to go on the potty. The past 2 weeks however have changed all that and once again we are regressing to monkey level. My kid may be the missing link we are all looking for....who knows!

Why the heck does she feel the need to, A., put her hands in her diaper and B, smear poop all over herself, the floor and on one fine occassion, my new furniture!!!! What would possess someone to want to touch their own poop. How gross is that! Doesn't she smell it??? When I discover her lovely artwork, she is looks at me and holds up her hands like , Mommy this is gross, ummmmm YEAH IT IS! WTF. Not only has this happened once but 3 times lately and she still doesn't get that this is a bad thing.
I just look at her and go"Seriously?".

So Phil got her up from a nap one day and discovered her newfound hobby and cleaned her up. Well lets just say he is not the most observant person, because the next day I go in her room which smells like poop and notice the artwork that has dried on the back of the door. Yummy! They should really give the people that make Clorox Wipes a raise with all the money I spend on them! Next Up, the new living room table, toys, radiator and floor this weekend and then yesterday.

All I wanted to do was finish the last 100 pages of the "Divinci Code". Is that too much to ask? I didn't think so. Little Miss's new favorite thing related to her "shows" is to watch videos in the playroom/guesroom and play. Sounds good to me. A little peace and quiet and I can finish my book. I walk in the playroom to check on her and am greeted with the look described above and a poop show on her leg. I start screaming (mind you Phil is on a conference call downstairs since he works from home an AWFUL LOT lately) and scrubbing with the baby wipes and drag a crying little miss into the bathroom to clean her up. Well guess who didn't like the scrub fest? Prompting me to say "if you don't like it then don't play with your poop!" and hence the title of this chapter.

I heard somewhere that monkeys throw their poop around.....hmmmmmm.